Flatpoint's Chamber of Commerce

From the desk of the Honorable Mayor of Flatpoint

"I'd like to welcome you to this vicarious virtual tour of our fair city. Below, I will illustrate some of the various services and local businesses that touch upon every aspect of daily life in beautiful Flatpoint, USA."

Health Care - Our city is host to a number of various top-notch facilities. Within our city borders you'll find St. Mortis Hospital, Fossilton Rehabilitation Center for the Ancient, Wild Dunes Mental Hospital, and a very busy STD Clinic. Every now and then, one of our more remarkable local patients may find him or herself lucky enough to inducted into the famous, critically-acclaimed Traveling Trauma Center.

Various Services - Our fine city has many caring and capable people to touch every aspect of your life. Spiritual needs can be satisfied by Flatpoint's own Minister Arsenew or visit Safe Trap House for an alternative to the conventional organized religious experience. Our streets are kept safe by a world class law enforcement department. The department's Drug Enforcement Unit is commanded by Officer Savillion. At regularly-scheduled Alá Coholics meetings, located in the basements of local cocktail lounges, the adult children of alcoholics can find the courage to blame others for their misfortunes. In Flatpoint we believe the children are our future, so we're proud to be serviced by the Career Simulation Wagon, which helps our city's youths to find their dream jobs. When our citizens pass on to the next world, their corpses will make the journey to the afterlife in style after they are beautified by Flatpoint's renowned miracle-working mortician, Sharpei.

Shopping & Dining - The Comfort Zone, Pizzamania, Crab Shanty, El Carne Loco, Sticky Bunnery, Corn Doggery, Tasty Shake, Stew's Meat Wagon.

Chamber of Commerce Corporate Sponsors - Flares Footwear, The Flatpoint Gazette, The Bronzery Barn, Eterna-Spring Artificial Flower Corporation, Dry Cleanery, Captain Stacks Rum, Nutra Whiz, The Bob Whitely Cultural Immersion Center for Adopted Indians, Clap's Chocolate Scabies Cereal, Horizon Motel, Aass Ale, Salty Crispy Fatties & Fatty Salty Crispies, Teen Scene Magazine, Gladiator Magazine, and MaxiBulk 10000.

Entertainment & Night Life - Tweetzie Railroad, Tippler's Lounge.
Enjoy skating at our local Roller Rink or head on over to Mini-Strokes for some putt-putt. Our men-folk are known to spend a lot of their leisure time congregating at the Highway 69 Truck Stop where they enjoy some homestyle tube steak and male bonding. But the official favorite pastime of Flatpointers is throwing things. Throwing rocks at the Indian is a popular attraction at Tweetzie Railroad. Our young people enjoy throwing cinder blocks off highway overpasses. At Bob Whitely's Cultural Immersion Center for Adopted Indians you can throw a water fountain out the window. At the local Flatpoint Shopping Mall, young and old alike can have a good time tossing grape sodies from the mezzanine level down upon the heads of unsuspecting shoppers. And one of the Flatpoint High School events for the Homecoming Queen competition involves contestants giving their beloved Concrete Donkey a good toss.
Upcoming Event :  Buddah Stalin will be bringing his "Suck My Freedom Tour" to the Flatpoint Amphitheater in the near future. Exact dates will be scheduled soon, so check back here for details.

Education - Molding and shaping the personalities of our young people is a local priority in Flatpoint. The President of our Board of Education, Roger Stifdik, believes that we should maintain a steady influence on our children's minds from Flatpoint Preschool all the way through to the Flatpoint Community College and the hallowed halls of Flatpoint University (F.U.).  Flatpoint High School's Principal, Onyx Blackman, was a driving force behind this policy until a recent unfortunate Molotov cocktail accident at his school. The school board is currently recruiting replacements for two board members who were tragically killed in the aforementioned conflagration at the high school. Insurance money has been collected and must be allocated for the rebuilding of the high school, in a new location. Groundbreaking and construction will begin in July. At the same time, a new Flatpoint Strip Mall will be constructed on the site of the former high school and will include many of the fine vendors mentioned in our Shopping & Dining section above. Until the new high school construction is completed, Flatpoint students will be bussed to the high schools in nearby Charlaton, Mt. Valley, and Carlot.



Flatpoint is conveniently located 1.5 miles from Highway 69.  Take Exit 57 in Quad Cities and turn left at the end of the ramp. Proceed 1.5 miles down Route 666 and you'll see the "Welcome to Flatpoint" sign in front of our Chamber of Commerce Visitor's Center and Information Kiosk. If you see the exit sign to Second City, Oak Park Ridge, and Grosse Pointe you've gone too far. Turn around and head back toward Quad Cities.

 



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