"Strangers With Candy" Fan Fiction|
and My Original Story Ideas
The following synopses were story ideas sent to me for my "Strangers With Candy Fan Fiction Contest" which concluded on April Fools Day 2000. The premise of the contest was for you, the fans, to write your best idea for an original "Strangers With Candy" episode that you'd like to see. I'm still accepting story ideas and posting them here, just for fun. You can check out the plot sketches that I've received so far and also read MY original story ideas. Also, just to satisfy my curiosity, let me know which ones are your favorites. Remember, I'll post any story ideas that you send to me.Submit YOUR ideas
(please put "SWC Story Idea" in the Subject field.)
- Click here to read "A Cinderella Story", featuring Jerri Blank, by Christopher Discenza
- Click here to read "You've Got Blank Mail", featuring Jerri Blank, by Rob Block
- Click here to read "The Birds and the Blanks", featuring Jerri Blank, by Jim Lautenbach
- Click here to read "_________ (Fill in the Blank)", featuring Jerri Blank, by Daniel Silverman
- Click here to read "Strangers With Candy Canes", featuring Jerri Blank, by Steven Heinig
- Check out a collaboration from members of my FlatpointHigh message board at yahoogroups, "The Sound of Jerri" (in PDF format).
- I call this one "My Fair Jerri":
A new neighbor moves in next to Jerri's house and the whole house is curious who it is. Each having a fantasy as the movers are moving in the furniture and objects into the house. Turns out that it is a drag queen, and just so happens to be Principal Blackman's long lost brother (now sister). He would play both roles. Jerri and the neighbor befriend each other and exchange stories. Meanwhile at school, there is a beauty contest coming up at the school. The winner gets to be a model. Maybe turns out to be Hobocamp ads. Jerri is taught how to be a lady and how to present herself but doesn't quite have the right stuff for it. She presents a moving speech at the contest when her talent act (dancing with a snake?) goes horribly wrong.
- How about an episode where Jerri takes a summer job as a Census taker. She gets assigned to a "seedy" part of the neighborhood where the first door she knocks on turns out to be a madman on a 6 day Crystal Meth binge...the madman convinces Jerri to join his cult of seedy characters, and they claim Flatpoint High as their temple and Mr Noblet as the anti-christ. ehehe.
- I think that P-John is like about the cutest guy at Flatpoint High. I would love to see an episode where he comes out--and comes on--to
Derrick. I am sure that been-there-done-that Jerri would have lots of sound and thoughtful advice for poor lovelorn P-John's painful obsession for Step-Fag. High-jinks would assuredly abound, and we'd learn a valuable lesson about tolerance for those who are "different."
-- Daniel Silverman
- "Bullying Blank": I suggest that a neighboring high school female bully is transferred into Flatpoint High. The bully takes a liking to bullying Jerri and loves to beat her up every chance she gets. The bully can give Jerri wedgies, stuff her in her locker, take all her clothes while Jerri showers after gym class leaving Jerri to streak home, etc... Fed up with this, Jerri can consult with Jellineck, Coach Wolf, Noblet or Blackman about being bullied. Since know one really cares about Jerri's little problems, Jerri tries everything to fake being sick to stay home from school. Sara Blank wants nothing to do with this becasue she can't stand to have Jerri home ruining her day while she can be off drinking and trying to seduce every free man in the neighborhood. So Sara forces Jerri to go to school. To get away from the bully at school, Jerri fakes being sick and is sent to the school nurse for a physical. The nurse finds things she has never seen before and sends her home to find her mother in a torrid little love affair with her next door neighbor. Sick and tired of not knowing what to do, Jerri decides "to go with what she knows", and goes to school the next day and confronts the bully. It turns out that the
bully secretly has a crush on Jerri and they end up dated. Jerri then convinced the bully to beat up on Derrick and his two leather boys. The end! What do you think?
-- Andre Pate
- I think a spoof of all the recent slasher flicks would be cool. Have the killer be calling Jerri, like in "Scream", and have the killer offing all of Jerri's big-chested girlfriends. The killer? It would be Jerri and her twin sister, played by Amy Sedaris without make-up. Their motives would be Jerri wanted attention from all the guys at the school because they only like her big-chested friends, and her twin's motive would be that she wasn't popular in high school so she was getting revenge. Of course, Jerri would claim she had nothing to do with it and blame her twin, and Jerri would walk away free.
- "Snatch": After a series of incidents where Jerri shows that she doesn't know the value of a dollar (leaving the bathtub running all day, smashing Sara's car into a tree) Sara tells her she must get a part time job after school. Jerri immediately starts streetwalking again, only to find that she is spurned by the newer, younger prostitutes and by the more selective customers. Tammi sets her up in a part time job with her at the local supermarket, but all Jerri does is leer and flirt with the other employees, is rude to the customers and shoplifts every makeup product imaginable in order to improve her chances as a streetwalker. The episode ends with Jerri getting herself and Tammi fired from the supermarket after Jerri is arrested while walking the streets with several props she has lifted from the supermarket, and Jerri learning important lessons about shoplifting and fitting in.
-- Joseph William Barco
- Jerri Blank meets a student at Flatpoint that she thinks is really, really hot (male or female, it doesn't really matter). Jerri makes the moves on the student, but finds out that the student is very religious and won't date anyone out of their own religion. The student invites Jerri to his or her church. Jerri decided to go, but drags along Orlando because she doesn't want to go alone. Upon arriving at the church, they are greeted by the pastor, and Orlando is invited to attend the special "minorities service" being held in the basement. Despite his protests, Orlando is forcibly escorted out so that he can hear the message of Jesus "in his native tongue". I envision the service being quite the event, with quite a few Flatpoint folk in attendance. Perhaps there can be a touching musical number from Chuck Noblett and a personal testimony from Principal Blackman. The pastor will deliver a stirring sermon on drug use and abortion and homosexuality that Jerri can really relate to. Jerri is saved, there is much rejoicing, and Jerri begins speaking in tongues, which really impresses everyone. Most of the rest of the episode revolves around the new Christian Jerri acting superior and trying to save the sinful souls of her stepmom, Derrick, Tammy, Geoffery, etc. She carries her bible and misquotes bible verses to everyone, and gets into fights with Moslem, Hindu, and Jewish
students after insulting their religions. Jerri loses her religion, though, when she catches the original student she had lusted after "in the act" in a toilet stall with Coach Wolf or Dr. Puffybush or whomever. She therefore becomes disillusioned with religion and returns to her old self. As a closing moral, Jerri tells us "I've learned that it's important to respect other peoples' religions,
as long as it's not one of the really crazy ones like Catholics or Mormons or Moslems or that Jew religion."
-- Carl Quattlebaum
- Jerri starts a secret prayer circle at her school in the basement. She would "speak in tongues"...Tourette's Syndrome style and one by one people would follow her and join in...even her stepbrother. Kinda a Jim Jones thing and she would be preaching (going on and on about whatever popped into her head)..and then Mr. Blackman would be jealous because he fancies himself the preacher-man. Everyone in Jellineck's art class would be making crufixes etc., and Chuck would fake a stigmata to get Geoffrey's attention. Jerri would have visions, of course (ala the skeleton head on fire part of the drug episode) and she could end up hostessing a christian dance party (orgy) in the school basement and everyone comes dressed as virgins and martyrs..or something.
I could write more but I teach Kindergarten and I have lesson plans to work on. true
-- Miss Mary Ellen
P.S. I just thought of a new character...the janitor.....hmmmm. Every high school needs a janitor, and he could live in the basement where the (really) Bad Things happen, and be part of this episode. I would also very much like to bring in the Butcher Boyfriend.
- ...I can so see her (Jodi Lennon, former cast member of "Exit 57") playing the part of some girl who was in Jerri's original class at Flatpoint...but a cheerleader, popular chick...who went into a coma and wakes up lo these 30 years later to return to school like Jerri...could be a rollicking episode full of flashbacks that show how Jerri started down the slipperly slope to junkie whore...could it be that she had an unrequited crush on the most popular girl in the school???
- Okay, Here's a 'brief' synopsis of my episode
"Witch Came First?" or "Any Witch Way, You Can".
The episode starts with the class reading Arthur Miller's play about the Salem Witch Hunts, "The Crucible" in Noblet's class. Mr. Noblet asks the class what the play is about and one smart looking kid gives an elaborate and correct synopsis of the play. Noblet says something like "Wrong! Brainiac!" Then a dumb, blond girl answers something like "It's like about how witchcraft can be used to tease and ultimately get rid of people you don't like." "Right", says Noblet. Then a bunch of girls look at Jerri and smile to themselves sadistically.
Later that day, in Mr. Jellineck's art class, the students are making dolls of a naked model or something. Jerri just keeps laughing at the model, making fun of him or her. Jerri then asks to use the Hall Pass to go to the ladies room to make "a stinky." While she is gone, the girls from before cut some hair, clothing and finger nails from themselves and stick it into the doll that Jerri was "trying" to mold (looks like a lump either a penis or vagina). They also stick a few pins into it. When Jerri returns from the bathroom, a bunch of the same girls start to roll around on the floor by Jerri, screaming how she has them under her spell. Some pretend to foam at the mouth and tear at their clothes. They point to the now Voodoo doll and scream "Jerri's a witch! Jerri's a witch!" The whole class room is in an
uproar about this. Blackman pokes his head in the door, makes a cross with
his fingers toward Jerri and leaves. Jerri then gets up, gives them the
finger "F**K You!", and leaves the room.
Jerri approaches Mr. Jellineck about what witchcraft is really about. Geoffrey and Jerri go to the library to research about witchcraft. They open an very old and dusty book which tells about crazy things like eating babies, drinking blood, bringing back the dead, etc. It also has a video tape entitled "True Witch Stories" They play it and it's just parts of the Wizard of Oz. Jerri then decides that being a witch wouldn't be all that bad.
The next day in school she is dressed all in some kind of kinky black outfit with a big witch's hat. This is where the fun begins: Some of the things she could then do:
-Tries to bring back her father from the dead. Gets all kind of people instead, Hitler, Nixon, Dick Clark, etc.
- Tries to make Orlando handsome, but makes him all hairy, all over his body. She just laughs and says it's still an improvement.
-Tries to make a love potion to make Tammy Littlenut to join her coven. Orlando helps he find ingredients for it like Eye of Newt, Toe of sloth, etc. She can't find some ingredients, so she just improvises with things around the house like hair spray, KY jelly, douche, etc.. She casts the spell and nothing seems to happen. Tammy shrugs her shoulders and says "I don't feel any different" and walks away. A few moments later she runs back to Jerri screaming. "I can't pee! What did you do to me. I don't have my
" "Your what?" Jerri says "You mean your vagina?" What
actually happens is that Jerri removed all of her "female parts". Jerri
make a grimace and says "I'll have to get back to you on that one Tammala".
- She has a pet bat named something like "Flappy" in her locker. She opens
her locker and it flies out and chases Noblet down the hall. All the kids
etc. I am sure you can find some funny things to do with Jerri as a bad witch.
In the end, the school all gathers torches, goes to Jerri's house at night and captures her. They make a bonfire in front of the school to burn her at the stake. Principal Blackman lights the fire and Jerri says "I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY."
If you want to know what happens next, Amy can get in touch with me...
-- Keith A. Bajura
- "I Juana Go"
My episode would start in Noblets classroom. The entire class is going on a
field trip to Niagra Falls, but when the class doesn't raise enough funds to
go to Niagra Falls, Jerri suggests that they go to Tiajuana. Before going
on the trip, Mr. Jellineck gived Noblet a locket with his picture in
it...Noblet is touched that he would care. When the class gets there,
Noblet see's a house band is looking for a singer & auditions. Noblet is
the only person to audition that can speak english, so he automatically gets
the job & then turns his class loose in Tiajuana so he can have free time to
pursue his lifes dream, to be a rock star. While there, Jerri visits a post
office to mail her step mother a post card & to mail herself some "herbs" &
finds a photo of her posted up on the Tiajuana 10 most wanted list for
severe donkey abuse. Apparently she had killed a donkey back about 10 years
ago during one of her infamous stage shows. Back in the day Jerri was a
stripper & did some revealing things with a donkey named Pedro for the small
but proud crowd. Someone in the post office recognizes Jerri in the photo
& calls the Tiajuana police. Jerri has time to go to a cock fight & then
Jerri is arrested. At the same time, Noblet is practicing with his new
band, "The Fruits". Noblet gets in a fight with the guitar player of the
band, Dink, when Dink sees that Noblet has a photo of Jellineck on his
locket & calls him queer. By the time Noblet gets thrown in Jail, Jerri is
the king of the cell block. Jerri has the word "Loco Mama" tattooed on her
back & has had her way with all of the inmates. Noblet & Jerri are both
allowed one call out. Jerri calls her house to tell her Step Mother of
their problem, but her Brother picks up the phone & tell her he can't get
her out because he's too busy selling nude photo's of Tammy Littlenut &
Principal Blackman, it seems that apparently thos two had a little romp
together & were caught by Derrick. Derrick wants to destroy Blackman because he
accidentally published in the school newspaper that Derrick was gay. Noblet
decides to call Jellineck & Jellineck comes to save the day. When Jellineck
gets there he makes Noblet promise that he'll never sing in a band again,
Noblet crosses his fingers behind his back so he'll get his out of jail, but
in his mind he's laughing because he'll always sing. Jerri gets ready to
board the bus to go home when a donkey with a bad over-bite & thinning hair
comes up to her & humps her leg. Jerri say's "Good Times!" & the donkey
drops dead. Jerri immediately jumps on the bus & floors it to get out of
there. The end credits would have Jerri & a donkey, plus Noblet &
Jellineck dancing to "When A Man Loves A Woman"
-- Robert J. Suehs
- "Abortion, Just For The Fun Of It"
Date: 00-04-12 18:14:26 EDT
Jerri Blank gets pregnant and has to get an abortion and dreads the thing and afterwards she realizes how fun it was and convices a bunch of other girls to get pregnant just to experience the fun of an abortion. And since she convinces all of the girls around the same time, they are all in their early pregnancy at the same time. Later, they have a mass abortion-o-rama in the gymnasium with the rest of the unimpregnated girls, boys and cheerleaders as spectators, monitoring the line of pregnant girls waiting with anticipation their turn in line for the ultimate fun of having an abortion!
And of course Tammy Littlenut isn't one who gets pregnant and to go along
with the rest of the girls she lies that she is and lies again when she tells
her friends she had a miscarriage. She then sadly looks on as a spectator and
not a participant.
The name for it should be 'Abortion, just for the fun of it'
I like good ol' shock value for laughs......
I am one sick pup......but normal really....sort of....
-- firstname.lastname@example.org (jb)
- "Jerri, Jerrina"
Sat, 15 Apr 2000 11:20:55 EDT
In this episode, Jerri wins Kiss concert tickets on a radio call-in show
after being able to identify each of their "members" correctly from a line
up. Unfortunately, on the way there, the car she hotwired breaks down in
front of a seedy gay bar. In order to raise enough money to get her car
fixed, she enters a drag queen contest in the bar where she dresses as a man
who's dressed as a woman. After winning the contest hands-down, under the name
"Butterscotch Twatty", she becomes a token of the gay community as the finest
and most respected of all drag queens. Finally Jerri is accepted somewhere,
but a popular and disillusioned Jerri forgets that she truly isn't a man and
it all comes tumbling when she tries to play a little "hide the sausage" with
the finest looking queen in there.
- "Ghosts from the past"
Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 19:09:36
In this sketch, Jerri runs into someone from her misguided youth. A guy named Chester she used to be good friends with back in the days when she was a user and a loser. Chester tries to get Jerri to go back to her old ways . So Jerri
starts hanging out with him and begins going back to her old ways again. Jerri feels she has no where else to turn to talk about what has been bothering her lately. Jerri has been wondering if her step mom is cheating on her dad with Mr. Blackman. That is why jerri goes to Chester because she feels she has to block out her problems and that is how she used to solve them in the old days. Finally, Jerri finds out that her step mom was not cheating on her dad at all . Jerri's step mom was
secretly helping Mr. Blackman with his second passion in life, to be a women's clothing designer. Her step mom never told anyone because Mr. Blackman threatened to frame Jerri and her brother for vandalizing the school and kick them out . At the end Jerri finds out that her friend Chester is wanted by the authorities and there is a reward for anyone who turns him in. She says "the hell with it" and turns him in and gets the reward.
-- Mark J.
"Jerri the Ass"
Date: 00-08-07 15:03:21 EDT
Jerri shows some "badass skills" and the Flaptoint High Asses (a gang) ask her to join them, although they are technically planning to use her for bigger purposes. Tammi, Orlando, and Jimmy Tickles all urge her not to get involved with them, yet she does anyway. They commit many devious deeds, which angers Principal Blackman, and he begins to question the students on who has committed the acts. Tammi, Jimmy, and Orlando, worried about Jerri, tell her counselor to keep an eye on her. Although he cannot snitch on Jerri, due to counselor policy, he does try to stop her and the Asses from committing mischievous deeds, yet it always ends in failure for him. Jerri, thinking she is now "cool" with the group, asks them for their numbers, yet they all give her fake numbers because they don't really like her. She could end up calling places like "Won Hung Lo" Chinese Restaurant, or some other funny places. The next day at school, Principal Blackman calls her down to his office, only for her to see the Flatpoint Asses sitting in his office, with innocent looks on their faces. They tell Principal Blackman that it was Jerri that did all the deeds, and they told her not to do it, but she did, anyway. Even though it is obvious they are involved, too, somehow Principal Blackman believes them. He tells them to leave, and begins to give Jerri her punishment, when he mentions he is surprised she could do all of the things she did on her own. That is when Jerri springs an idea that will get her out of trouble. She tells him that it wasn't her, but it was Lars, her counselor, along with Tammi, Jimmy, and Orlando. Principal Blackman believes her, and has the whole group arrested and put in jail. Even though Lars has tapes of Jerri and the Asses committing the acts, the police and Blackman pay no attention to him. In the end, Jerri learns that it's okay to hang around with the wrong crowd, as long as you hang out with the good crowd too...so you can blame all the stuff you do on them.
ALTERNATE ENDING: (replacing last scence in Principal Blackman's office) Besides doing things with the Asses, Jerri has been doing some pretty bad things on her own. When she is caught by Mr. Jellineck doing one of them (defacing Principal Blackman's portrait), she tells him that the Asses forced her into doing all the things she did, threatening to hurt her, and she also rats them out for doing the other stuff (she had no part in that). Upon being informed, Principal Blackman has the Asses hauled off to jail, and Jerri is immortalized as a hero. Everyone is proud of her, including Lars, Tammi, Orlando, and Jimmy, and Jerri learns that it's okay to hang around with a bad crowd, as long as you're even worse of a crowd yourself.
-- Mike DuBois
- I think it would be funny if they had an episode on SWC where they have a new (or find out) there is a gay student. Imagine all the homo jokes Jerri could make, and Mr. Jellineck and Noblet would act outraged (or
maybe even make passes towards the student). I don't know, its just a thought.
-- Trevor Hugunin
I had the strangest dream last night just about that same idea. But for some strange reason Noblet and Jellineck were on the outs and I was trying to get that back together. In my dream, Gellineck lived in this huge artists studio with weird art and displays all around. He was having a party in the hopes that all of the students would try get along together in spite of the new gay kid. I was chasing both Noblet and Jellineck all around the art displays trying to get them to talk to each other and make up. Finally, in the end I just gave up and had my way with Jellineck. GOOD TIMES!
-- Keith Bajura
- I have a great Idea:
Jerri is getting made fun of because she got a very low score on her PSAT. She goes home depressed. The next day she has a long talk with Tammi Littlenut at lunch about the test. Jerri goes back home and turns on tv to see a news show about a new Intelligence enhancing drug. Excited, Jerri goes to the Local drug store. (Andy Richter plays the drug store clerk) She buys the new drug. She goes home and takes a bunch of the pills. The next day she gets to school and takes a test for Mr. Noblet's class. Stunned by her A+++, Mr. Noblet becomes concerned.....
The Rest of the Story could be filled in by Amy Sedaris and Paul Dinello. They could make this Idea a great show.
- I call this one "Jerri and the Blank Stalk"
Date: 00-10-03 19:10:58 EDT
Jerri is being stalked by her former lover and cell mate, who's fresh out on parole, most probably a tattoed Latina with hateful eyes... (Anybody know the number of that hottie from "Girl Fight"?) All sorts of wildly inappropriate gestures of affection abound... Obscene phone calls meant for Jerri peeve Sara, a mysterious low-riding muscle car orbits Jerri's block, Jerri's mailbox is crowded with soiled underpants and blood-stained tattoo napkins bearing Jerri's face and the proclamation "My Bitch"... Jerri is torn between feeling fear and flattery.
Meanwhile, Geoffrey Jellineck is directing Flatpoint's production of "Romeo and Juliet"... Proclaiming that the creepy stalker-like behavior exhibited by Romeo to be evidence of "TRUE ROMANTIC LOVE", he casts Jerri as Juliet, thus intensifying her confusion over her own situation.
Jerri both fears and adores her former cellmate, the bench press baroness of the prison yard. What would Juliet do in such a situation? But most importantly, what should Jerri do??
Not surprizingly, no one is interested enough in her plight to help Jerri. Even efforts to enforce a restraining order is laughed away by the local law enforcement, who remember Jerri all too well.
Jerri opts to cave in to her cell block "Romeo". Embarking on a steamy, humilating romp down "memory lane" with her cellmate, she learns that her lover has plans to involve Jerri in a kamikaze, certain-death greeting card store robbery... ON THE SAME NIGHT SHE IS SUPPOSED TO DEBUT AS JULIET IN JELLINECK'S PLAY! Jerri is pressured to "prove her love" by participating in this felonious act of certain death.
Suicide may have been right for Romeo and Juliet, but not for Jerri Blank. Ditching the robbery midway thru, Jerri hustles back to Flatpoint and the play. Having squandered valuable rehearsal time with her lover, a clueless Jerri ad-libs upon Shakespeare and "wows" the audience. Basking in the adulation of her classmates, Jerri waves a bouquet of roses at her cellmate as she is hauled away in a paddywagon.
The moral: "Love is for SUCKERS!"
P.S. Awesome site. SWC RIP.
- "Blank Generation"
Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 2:19:05 PM EDT
Jerri joins a Punk Rock band called "Television" then decides to start her own band called the "Voidoids". She releases a couple seminal punk LP's, then starts writing pompous poetry, gets very fat, and is seen hanging around Starbucks on Astor place between signings at Barnes and Noble and readings at Liberal Arts colleges.
-- Jeffrey Jensen
(NOTE: #3, "Holy Blank", is my personal favorite)
- "Identical Cousins" -- Jerri's successful doppelganger returns to Flatpoint High. It's Jerri's identical cousin Chenille (played by Amy Sedaris out of Jerri makeup), or at least they were identical when they were kids. The years have been much kinder to Jerri's "cuz" than they have been to Jerri. (They could use a lot of cheesy special effects like the kind they used on old sitcoms & soap operas whenever they wanted to show one actor playing two characters in a scene.) The cousin is a tad bitchy so, of course, Noblet and Jellineck LOVE her, even though she can't seem to get anyone's names right. She calls Orlando "Ontario", Sara "Aunt Sally", Derrick "Darren", Chuck Noblet "Chip Niblet", Onyx Blackman "Ebony Blackball", and Geoffrey Jellineck "Jordan Jellyroll".
- Along the same theme as my example above, perhaps they could do an episode in which Jerri contemplates what her life would have been like if she hadn't dropped out of Flatpoint High at age 14 to become a runaway user, boozer, and loser. (This could be a daydream brought on by a comment that someone makes to her or it's the result of a bump on the noggin.)
"It's a Not-So-Wonderful Life" -- First of all, she would have gotten her teeth straightened while still a teenager. That alone would help her on her way to a better life. Her real mother is still alive and her father is a vibrant active senior. This Bizarro-World version of Jerri Blank returns to Flatpoint to donate a large sum of money to the school that helped to mold her into the successful businesswoman she has become. Because of her clean living (and the facelift she had recently) she looks 10 years younger than the Jerri that we know. Principal Onyx Blackman doesn't completely trust her, but he wants her donation. Chuck Noblet fawns all over her, inciting jealous rage in Geoffrey Jellineck's heart. Jerri finds out that 17 years ago her father had an affair with a woman named Sara and she gave birth to his bastard son Derrick. Kindhearted Jerri arranges to meet her half-sibling and the two become instant best friends. Derrick is thrilled to have a beautiful and successful big sister to look up to. When Jerri wakes from this dream she's mortified. It was more like a nightmare. More disturbing than a really bad acid trip. The success of the alternate Jerri is repulsive to her and she's glad to be back to her old self.
- "Holy Blank!" --
Superintendent of schools, Roger Stifdik, loses a poker game with local Archbishop Michael O'Lester (that's "M.O'Lester", for those of you who didn't notice) and, as a consequence, Flatpoint High School falls under the dominion of the Catholic Archdiocese. Everyone at Flatpoint learns lessons of religious tolerance through the experience. Jerri wants to get in good with the nuns so she follows Tammi Littlenut's lead and becomes a novice. Tammi has taken the name Sister Sepheryn, but Jerri calls her Sufferin. Noblet assigns his class to pick a Saint and write a report about their chosen holy personage. Jerri tries to improvise her way through by blathering on about the martyrdom of St. Egnog who was killed in the 23rd century by Emperor Fagotus Androgenus. The students and teachers who refuse to convert are persecuted and eventually tied to a post, later to be burned in a bonfire set by the Forces For Righteousness and Piety (FFRP). Orlando is coerced into converting from his "primitive chimp religion" to Catholicism. When Jerri defends Orlando she is considered a heretic and accused of witchcraft. She, too, is set to burn for her non-conformity. Noblet and Jellineck (who were hastily ordained as priests under the new regime) are condemned for their "special friendship". If one of them was an altar boy it would have been acceptable, but not two grown men! An eleventh-hour rescue comes after Principal Blackman beats the Archbishop at a game of lawn darts and wins Flatpoint back for the public school system.
- "Blank Check" -- Jerri is told that she was switched at birth. The people who are supposedly her real parents want her to come live with them on their estate in Flatpoint Heights. They cast out the woman who they've believed to be their daughter and she is forced to seek refuge with her new "stepmother" and "half-brother", Sara and Derrick. Since she had lived the life of an heiress she didn't feel the need to finish high school. Sara insists that she attend Flatpoint High. Jerri lives the "high" life in high society until she gets word that the hospital was mistaken. It was a pair of boys that were switched, not girls. She has to return to her stepmother's home and the wealthy family takes their birth daughter back.
- "Jerri's Kids" -- Jerri is misdiagnosed with a rare life-threatening illness (probably by the same Orthodontist who tried to save Guy Blank's life, but "he just kept getting deader.") Everyone at school treats her with kid gloves, but not really out of compassion or sympathy. They're afraid of the possibility that they can catch what she's got, even though it's not contagious, and they don't want to make her mad because they're afraid she'll put the pox on them. Orlando and Tammi Littlenut arrange to broadcast a telethon on the Flatpoint Cable Access Channel, hosted by Bink Buzkill, to raise money for the cause. Jerri even performs on the telethon in her friend Toby's rap group. Toby (now calling himself Daddy Jr.) is backed up by Jerri, Tammi, and Orlando and the quartet goes by the name "Daddy Jr. and the Spooks". Of course, the truth is ultimately exposed, but nobody can stay mad at Jerri. Not because they're glad she's OK, but because she uses the money that was raised via the telethon to buy a new jacuzzi and espresso maker for the school.
- "Drawing a Blank" -- An old artist friend of Jellineck's visits him during one of his classes and is immediately drawn to Jerri. He asks her to be his model. Soon Jerri becomes the sensation of the art world and everyone wants her to be their Muse. She gets so caught up in all of the attention and success that she turns her back on everyone she knows. Her moment in the spotlight is fleeting, however, and she is quickly replaced by the next flavor of the month. Then she's left to crawl back to Flatpoint and beg everyone for their forgiveness. Jerri's pet in this episode is a bat named Bruce who hangs upside-down in her locker.
- "Shooting Blanks" -- Sara, Jerri, and Derrick must assume false identities after Jerri witnesses a Mafia crime and is forced to testify against Tony "Big Cheese" Mascarpone of the local Falsetto crime family. The Flatpoint Witness Protection Program is pretty lame, though. They don't have to move from their home. They just put on wigs and call themselves by different names. Everywhere she goes, Jerri thinks someone is trying to kill her. It's probably Sara or Derrick, who are both furious that Jerri has inconvenienced them in this way.
- "The Return of Guy Blank" -- While making a drug connection for a schoolmate in Flatpoint Hill Cemetery, Jerri starts to get it on with the drug dealer in an above ground crypt (the name on the mausoleum says "Banks"). While in the throes of passion they accidentally knock the lid off a coffin and Jerri is surprised to see her father lying there, perfectly preserved (thanks to the handiwork of the great Sharpei). "But my Daddy was cremated and I spilled his ashes all over they gym floor during the Father/Student Sack Race against Mt. Valley High." As it turns out, there was a mix-up at the crematorium and the wrong man was incinerated. Guy Blank was switched with Gus Banks at the mortuary and Banks was sent to the furnace. Guy Blank has been resting serenely in this tomb ever since. Jerri decides to bring him home with her so she can make up for the 32 years that she spent as a runaway. She props him up in her closet, because she knows that Sara wouldn't allow her to keep him if she were to find out, and she keeps the urn with her mother's ashes on his lap. Every now and then she'll consult him when she has a problem that she can't seem to solve.
- "Ms. Blank Goes to Washington" -- Jerri enters a contest to write an essay which nominates Sara for "Step Mother of the Year". She doesn't do this because of any actual fondness for her stepmom, but to try to win the $5,000 cash prize. Her essay ends up winning the second place prize, a trip to Washington, DC to become an "Intern for a Day". Jerri is assigned to work for one of her state's Congressman, Myron Smallcox (R). Within her one day as an intern, Jerri stirs up enough scandal to bring the government to the brink of collapse. Her instant infamy brings her offers of lucrative advertising sponsorships, but the next day a new scandal has broken and everyone seems to have forgotten the name "Jerri Blank".
- "Jerri's Jubilee" -- At the end of her Junior year at Flatpoint High Jerri finds out that she has enough credits to graduate a year early (Noblet, not wanting to teach Jerri for a fifth year in a row, has given her 40 credits for his class instead of 4). Graduation day happens to fall on Jerri's fiftieth birthday. "If I don't graduate by the time I'm 50 I'll be the laughingstock of Flatpoint High."
- "Big Sister is Watching" -- Jerri is forced to do community service. Her first assignment at the nursing home is a disaster (she kills 4 elderly patients) so she volunteers for the "Big Sister" program. She takes an 11 year old girl under her wing and molds her into a mini-Jerri clone.
- "Candy for Strangers" -- Jerri wants to sell the most candy to raise money for the Flatpoint High Carnival. The students want to use the proceeds to buy a dunking tank. Jerri's provocative descriptions of her "luscious box" of candy, and the "cherries that squirt when you bite them" get her arrested for soliciting. Then she decides to get an after-school job at "Cooters", Flatpoint's premiere gentleman's club. "Cooters" is a combination of a lower class "Hooters"-style nudie bar and a theme restaurant, but instead of topless young waitresses showing off their knockers "Cooters" has bottomless hags exposing their gnarled old bacon strips. Of course, Principal Blackman is a regular customer and he forces his staff, Noblet and Jellineck included, to attend after hours meetings there. Coach Wolf doesn't seem to mind, though. She seems especially fond of the waitress who rides the mechanical bull.
- "Jerri's Men All Pause" -- Jerri thinks she's pregnant and she tries to figure out who the father is: Jimmy Tickles, Drake, Paul Cotton, Laird, Miles, Jared Westerly, Craig Snow, Wendell, Alan Tiresias? It turns out that she's not pregnant, she's just in the early stages of menopause. Sara, who is pregnant with Stew's baby, gives birth and soon after she starts to go through menopause, too.
- "Be Truant to Your School" -- When Jerri hands Noblet another note claiming that she has to leave school to get her uterus scraped AGAIN he gets suspicious and tips off the Flatpoint Truant Officer, Trent Ketcham (Ben Stiller). Trent, who prefers to be called an "Attendance Enforcement Agent", follows Jerri. She actually IS on her way to Dr. Kobblicker's office for her regular scraping, but when she notices that she's being followed (Ketcham isn't very discreet) she gets nervous and tries to ditch him. She thinks that she's either a pervert or a cop and she doesn't have time for either, right now. So in trying to avoid the Truant Officer she actually becomes truant. Oh, the irony! She embarks on an odyssey that takes her through Flatpoint's neighboring towns: Mt. Valley, Charlaton, Carlot, Simpleton, and back to Flatpoint. Ketcham apprehends Jerri at Tweetzie Railroad while she's throwing rocks at Flatpoint's resident Native American, John Proudfoot. After he tells Jerri who he really is she responds, "A truant officer! What is this, 1937? Do I look like one of the Little Rascals to you?" Ketcham is too late to do Jerri any harm, however, because it's 3:01pm and the school day is officially over. According to regulations, Ketcham has to apprehend a delinquent student during school hours. This is a case where Jerri actually was innocent but was perceived as being guilty, as opposed to her usual guilty-without-consequences situations. This episode would be like a cross between "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and "The After Hours" as directed by John Waters.
[ Epilogue by Lemuel ]
We return from the last commercial break to find Jerri sitting in Dr. Kobblicker's waiting room. Cherri sits next to her, reading an old edition of Seventeen sideways. Jerri delivers her "So what have I learned?" monologue, and just as she finishes, Dolores Duffy comes out from the examining room behind her. She's wearing a starched nurse's uniform and latex gloves, and holds up a huge speculum as she says "You're next, Jerri Blank!" Jellineck, wearing a paper smock, limps out of the examining room behind her.
- "Elementary, Dear Jerri" -- Principal Blackman discovers that Jerri technically didn't pass her 5th Grade class because she missed two weeks during a losing battle with a mononucleosis infection. He tells her that she has to go back to Flatpoint Elementary to make up those two missing weeks. Her new teacher, Aggie Spinner (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) has her hands full with this unexpected disruption. The young minds of her new classmates are easily influenced by Jerri, but she is transfigured by the youngsters, too.
- "The B.O. in the Plastic Bubble" -- After a bout with a nasty infection in her nether regions Jerri starts to stink... badly. She takes medication to fight the infection, but the treatment makes an even worse smell emanate from her body. Jerri's family, the student body, school staff, and Board of Education all join together to force Jerri into living in a plastic bubble until her condition is remedied. At home she is limited to a small plastic tent, about half the size of her bedroom. At school she has a plastic oxygen-tent-like structure built around her desk. In order to get from location to location she has to wear an elaborate contraption that looks like a cross between an old diving suit and an astronaut's space suit. Eventually the infection clears up and the stench subsides. Jerri learns that everyone stinks, in their own way.
- "Who Wants To Be a High School Graduate?" -- Through a series of mishaps, a little cheating, and some lucky guesses, Jerri ends up on the Flatpoint High team for the local High School Quiz Show, "Who Wants to Be a High School Graduate?". When the day of the show arrives she doesn't give much support to her teammates Orlando Pinatubo and Tammi Littlenut. The opposing team members, from Simpleton High, are not formidable opponents, but Jerri makes them look like geniuses in comparison. During a commercial break Jerri tries to seduce the show's host, Bink Buzkill, and the show's sponsor, Phil Weinglass. The Flatpoint team doesn't just lose; they end up with the lowest score in the show's 51 year history. Principal Blackman and Mr. Noblet put the blame squarely on Jerri's shoulders, where it belongs. In retaliation, Jerri puts on the Flatpoint Donkey mascot costume and beats the feathers off of the Simpleton Stork.
- "Old Friends" -- Jerri is visited by an old friend (Wendie Malick from "Just Shoot Me") from her first time around at Flatpoint High. They were both always stoned together. The friend works at a successful fashion magazine in New York and seems to look down on Jerri for going back to Flatpoint High. She thinks that Jerri is stuck in the past, but doesn't recognize that she hasn't really come very far either (she's still boozing and doing drugs, too, but it's expensive booze and designer drugs). They run into two other former classmates of theirs (played by Molly Shannon, Megan Mullally, Mary Scheer, and Nicole Sullivan) who used to pick on them mercilessly, and still do.
- "A Flatpoint Christmas Musical Extravaganza" -- Jerri gets a part in Mr. Jellineck's Christmas Musical Extravaganza and decides to become a "method actor". Therefore, she spontaneously breaks into song wherever she goes and she insists that everyone else does the same.
- "Date Rape" -- Students are reporting that they've been having blackouts and when they awaken they have the distinct feeling that their goodies have been sampled. Who's the culprit? Jerri, of course, thanks to a generous supply of Rohypnol that she got in the mail from her man Nico. Jerri didn't mean any harm, though. She just couldn't think of any other way to seduce them.
- "First Lady of Flatpoint" --
While campaigning for her husband's Mayoral reelection bid, Macy Lowbrau Elliot (Amy Sedaris, in a dual role), the First Lady of Flatpoint, meets Jerri and learns of her situation. Macy was a classmate of Jerri's before she ran away in 1967. Now she's exhausted by her hectic life, so she tells Jerri that she'd like to trade places with her for a week to learn about the state of Flatpoint's school system. Macy takes Jerri's place at school and Jerri moves into the Mayor's mansion. It so happens that Macy and Sara became friends at Flatpoint High after Jerri dropped out, so Sara is more than happy to have the Mayor's wife stay in her home. In many ways, Mayor Quincy Elliot is nothing more than a fascist despot, but he's so frazzled and burnt out by his campaign for reelection that he doesn't even notice that his wife is gone. He talks to Jerri as if she's Macy, so Jerri takes advantage of the situation. She convinces her "hubbie" to divert funds from the police and fire departments to her personal pet project, the beautification of Flatpoint High. Within days, Flatpoint High is transformed into a palatial country club environment, complete with valet parking and a maitre d' in the cafeteria. When Jerri visits the school she is treated like visiting royalty, even by Onyx, Chuck, and Geoffrey. The knives are out, though, and many of those who appear to worship Jerri are secretly plotting her downfall. Onyx conspires with Macy and together they plan a coup. Before her week in the spotlight runs its course, Jerri is overthrown and ousted from the Mayor's mansion. When Macy returns to her position of power she tells her husband that Flatpoint High is too posh and that he should cut the school's budget drastically. The betrayal makes Onyx furious until he realizes that the budget cuts will basically only have a negative effect on the students, not on his own perks. In this episode, Jerri has a pet cockroach that she keeps in a matchbox.
- "Jerri's Flashback" -- [ Prologue by Josh Motesharei-Renaud ]
Jerri is consumed by the stress of being such a freak at high school, and living in her broken home. She goes on a rampage by throwing pencils and Principal Blackman decides he's had enough of her outbursts. Much to the delight of Sara Blank, he sends her to the school psychologist, who used to be an Orthodontist at St. Mortis Hospital. In fact, he was the doctor who pronounced Guy Blank dead after the unfortunate incident with the Mt. Valley Rabid Dogs, but Flatpoint High lured him away just as they had taken Iris Puffybush from the Eterna-Spring Corporation. Jerri questions the doctor's qualifications and he responds, "I ought to know mental illness when I see it, I am an orthodontist." While lying on the couch, Jerri retells her life story and we see her younger self, alá "Forrest Gump", changing the course of recent history.
First, we see Jerri on the grassy knoll at age 10, and then hightailing it out of Dallas. We also get to see her dead mom (not her real mother nor the one that Stew has sex with). Later we see her in Memphis in 1968 for the assassination of Dr. MLK, Jr. After that we witness her halcyon days in Florida, circa 1984, with her harelipped bail-bondsman and the Cuban love toy who probably fathered Ricky. Aaaah, Florida... Maybe we'll discover that Jerri was personally responsible for the idea that evolved into MTV, but people scoffed at her concept of watching mini movie musicals. We can bear witness to when she "stole the TV". I'm sure she had some good times in New Orleans along the way, too. I wonder if she went through a Disco phase in the 70's? Jerri's flashback will go right up to the day that she returned to Flatpoint High school. It'll be great to see Poppy Downes and Guy Blank alive again. I really miss the frenetic energy that would fill the screen each time Guy appeared. Guy Blank was chronic! Upon meeting Jerri for the first time, Chuck Noblet would be mortified to see this hag take a seat in his classroom. He assumed that she was a member of the custodial staff. Geoffrey Jellineck would be kind to her, but only after having assumed that she was the new lunch lady and that she had gotten lost while looking for the cafeteria. Principal Blackman would explain that he didn't want to bend the rules to allow her return, but he had his own private reasons for doing so. His father had been the principal during Jerri's first time around at Flatpoint. By the time she dropped out of school in 1967, at age 14, she had driven Onyx's father to alcohol. He has blamed her ever since. What better way to get his revenge on Jerri than to allow her to return to High School? It's like the Romans throwing the Christians to the lions. Little did Onyx know that she'd eventually chew up and spit out some of his lions. Orlando is instantly attracted to Jerri, but she only speaks to him because nobody else will give her the time of day. Literally, nobody will give her the time of day whenever she asks. She ends up being late to every class. When he offers to take her to Tweetsie Railroad
to throw rocks at the Indian and to throw things off the overpass she decides that he's not so bad, for a chimp. Tammi befriends Jerri just because she doesn't know any better. They can even show how Sara convinced Jerri to return to High School, mainly because she thought that it would push Jerri back into a life of drugs, booze, and
prostitution and get her out of the house again, but for good this time. In the end Jerri decides that her return to Flatpoint has not been pointless. She is determined to stay on and make Blackman's life as difficult as possible.
- (Musical episode) "Free to Say, 'Yep, I'm Gay!'" -- Before Strangers With Candy aired its final episode in October of 2000, the show's creators/stars/writers expressed an interest in doing a musical episode about homosexuality. I'd elaborate on that theme a little further by suggesting that they could have used the 1974 Marlo Thomas TV special, "Free To Be... You & Me" as a model. Granted, Strangers was a spoof of the Afterschool Specials that were crafted for teens, and "Free To Be..." was intended for younger children, but I think that the sense of nostalgia would be the same and the "Free To Be..." style of music would lend itself well to parody and satire. Perhaps a new student at Flatpoint would be harassed because of his flamboyant personality, even though he turns out to be straight. Even bisexual Jerri and the clandestine lovers Jellineck and Noblet would join in the persecution. Soon Flatpoint becomes embroiled in a McCarthy-era witch hunt, but instead of seeing red, everyone in town sees lavender. Eventually, everyone either remembers a same-sex incident from his/her own past or is caught in the act. Jerri is among the latter when a moment of girl-on-girl action is caught on a school surveillance camera. It turns out that Jerri never actually thought of her encounters with other women as being wrong or even having anything to do with homosexuality. Have Jerri and company learned a lesson in tolerance or will they suppress their urges, hiding their true selves in the back of a closet?
Besides the title tune, songs include, "Homos Are People", "Jerri Wants
a Dong", "Boy Meets Boy", and more.
- (Animated episode) A spoof of Scooby Doo, Josie & the Pussycats, The Brady Kids, The Archies, The Groovie Goolies, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, The Super Friends, and other cartoons from the 70's. -- Jerri, Geoffrey, Chuck, Orlando, and Tammi pile into Onyx's van and leave Flatpoint on an adventure to solve the mystery of the stolen Concrete Donkey. They are followed closely by Sara and Derrick, who make trouble for them along the way. Throughout the journey, Jerri drinks some glowing green bong juice and acquires super powers. She can make a person fall into a giggling fit or get a powerful case of the munchies just by focusing her bloodshot dilated eyes on them. Jerri can't resist using these new found powers on Sara and Derrick, which results in much hilarity. In the end, the gang visits the Kennedy Space Center to tour a space shuttle that's supposed to be launched the next day but, courtesy of Jerri's clumsiness, the craft takes off with all of them on board. The ship lands on a large asteroid, which Jerri names Planet Zoot, and the gang is stranded. Once again, Onyx takes charge and creates a Flatpoint High "in exile". Jerri adopts a monkey-like space creature and names it "Orlando, Too". The episode closes as the gang sings "Flatpoint High in Outer Space".
[Before each commercial break there's a cheesy music sequence featuring colorful spinning asterisk-like flowers and spirals, and at the end of each break there's a Schoolhouse Rock-style number in which members of the Flatpoint High staff try to teach a lesson through song.]
- "Whatever Happened to Jerri Blank?" -- When Sara is injured in a freak hit and run accident (Jerri strikes again!) she becomes wheelchair-bound. Derrick has gone off to Showtune Camp so the daily care of Sara falls to Jerri. Jerri takes advantage of the situation, pops Sara's prescription painkillers like M&M's, and generally treats Sara like poo. When Stew tries to intervene, Jerri hobbles him (like Kathy Bates did to James Caan in Misery) and keeps him in a box (like Julian Sands did to Sherilyn Fenn in Boxing Helena). Ultimately, Jerri begins to really go off the deep end. In this episode we find out that Sara was a classmate of Jerri's, before Jerri dropped out and ran away from home. Jerri didn't realize that she was the same Sara that she knew all those years ago and had treated so terribly. We also learn that the reason Sara has allowed Jerri to stay in her home after Guy's death (besides a stipulation in his will) is the guilt she bears for having inadvertantly been responsible for the death of Jerri's mother (not Jerri's birth mom, but the woman who raised her from infancy to age 14).
- "Scared Blankless" -- As Halloween approaches, Jerri and her new ultra-goth friend Fay Morgan start monkeying around with a OUIJA board and they end up conjuring up the spirit of Jerri's dear dead Daddy. They command Guy's ghost to terrorize popular girl Ashley. They soon lose control over Guy and he enters Jerri's body (we can tell because she strikes a "Guy Blank" catatonic pose) and forces her to attack Sara's lover, Stew. Jerri isn't really concerned about any damage that is being caused to other people's lives by her rampage, but when she realizes that her Daddy is constantly with her (he sees her when she's sleeping, he knows when she's awake, he knows if she's been bad or good...) she begins to feel like he's cramping her style. She makes a plea to Archbishop Michael O'Lester [from Holy Blank!] for him to send her an exorcist. The church requires tangible evidence, such as if Jerri could speak a language she's never learned, so Jerri improvises a little scat from her days with the school Jazz band. The Archbishop has heard enough. Those horrible sounds compounded with such a hideous transfigured face (he doesn't realize that this is how Jerri always looks) are enough to convince him to tackle the challenge himself. The usual religious weapons -- prayer, holy water, a crucifix -- don't work, so the Archbishop tries to learn as much as he can about the possessing spirit. After learning pertinent details about Guy Blank, O'Lester decides that the best way to get Guy out of Jerri's body is to get a black man into it, Onyx Blackman, to be precise. Onyx screws the spook out of Jerri and suggests that he follow up by making sweet love to Sara, just to make sure her dead husband's ghost hadn't sought refuge within her. Sara thanks him for his offer, but tells him she'd rather take her chances. The scene ends with a close-up on Sara in a "Guy Blank" catatonic pose and some ominous music in the background. For the closing credits sequence, the cast dances to Madonna's "Supernatural".
- "Blank Cadet" -- After Jerri is caught defiling the Concrete Donkey, yet again, Principal Blackman punishes her by forcing her to join his JROTC (Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps) program. General Ebony Blackman, Onyx's sister, rules the program with an iron fist and ultimately devises a plan to overthrow her brother's regime and turn Flatpoint High into a military dictatorship. The ensuing coup d'état causes a rift within the Blackman family. Mama Mahogany and brother Jett take Onyx's side, while Papa Nero and "sister" Velvet (Jett's drag alter-ego) stand behind Ebony. Back at school, Ebony decides to designate Jerri "Student Body President" and then uses her like a chubby mindless puppet to gain influence over her minions. Jerri quickly grows tired of waking up before sunrise and constantly having to look over her shoulder for enemies. It's pretty easy for Onyx to bribe and induce her into betraying her Fascist leader.
- "Jerri and the Meat Factory" -- The Flatpoint students take a field trip to the local slaughter house/meat packing plant, courtesy of Jerri's step-daddy, Stew. The egomaniacal owner of the plant has illegal aliens (Filipinos) working for him and he forces them to use that horrible artificial tanning lotion that turns your skin orange and he has also forced them to die their hair light green so that they resemble Oompa Loompas. Of course, Jerri make a lot of jokes about meat: "slip me the old sausage," "I'll show you where to stuff your meat," etc.
- "Jerri Gets L.A.'d" -- Jerri takes a trip to L.A. so she can camp outside the home of her idol, Buddah Stalin, who has become even more popular than ever thanks to his hit reality series/sitcom, "The Stalins", that airs on the MVT (Music Video Television) cable channel. Jerri tries to ingratiate herself with Stalin's quirky family and even finds herself incorporated into an episode of their show.
- "Jerri Pot-head, the Sorceress Stoned" -- Jerri Blank dreams that she is accepted to the Genitalwarts Academy of Bitchcraft and Jizardry in the magical land of Flatpoint (home of the Concrete Donkey). Some other familiar faces happen to be there, too. Headmaster Onyx Dumbledong, Professor Sara McGonorrhea, Potions and Lotions Professor Chuck Snipe, Defense Against the Arts Professor Geoffrey Queerrel, Groundskeeper Stewbeus Rancid, and students Orlando Measley, Tammione Danger, and nemesis Derrick Malfag. Jerri cooks up a few powerful spells using familiar household cleaners and other common chemicals.
- "Sex With Strangers For Candy in the City" (or "Strangers With Sex" or "Candy and the City" or "Strangers and the City" or "Sex With Strangers in Candy City" or "Sex for Candy in the City of Strangers" or "Sex With Candy") -- An episode done in the style of "Sex and the City" featuring four women sitting around talking about sex:
· Sara Blank, the ringleader (like Carrie Bradshaw)
· Jerri Blank, the slutty one (like Samantha Jones)
· Tammi Littlenut, the naive one (like Charlotte York MacDougal)
· Iris Puffybush, the conservative professional (like Miranda Hobbes)
Oh, the things they talk about! Sara talks about Stew's "meat" and how Guy was like a corpse in bed. Jerri's stories are too numerous to be recounted here. Tammi is always shocked by everything her friends tell her. Iris complains that she's not getting enough sex because men are intimidated by her, even Onyx.
- "Muffy, The Vampire Slayer" -- Chuck Noblet discovers that Flatpoint High was built over a supernatural portal called the Hell Hole and he recruits Jerri Blank, Tammi Willownut, and Xorlander Pinatubo to help him fight the forces of evil.
IDEAS TO INCORPORATE INTO STORIES
· Jerri's favorite magazines, besides "Bound & Gagged", are "Hermaphrodites Quarterly" and "Conjoined Twins Monthly" (formerly known as "Siamese Twin Monthly"). Could Jerri have been born with a penis or perhaps even an entire conjoined twin protruding from her body that her birth mother lopped off with a butcher knife?
· Cockroach (Christopher) that she keeps in a matchbox
· Rat (Julius)
· Bat (Brucie) who hangs upside-down in her locker
CHARACTERS & GUEST STARS
· [Frida Payne, School Nurse] Jean Smart ("High Society", "Designing Women")
· [Helga Hashslinger, Lunch Lady] Wendie Malick ("Just Shoot Me")
· [Jerri's 95-year-old Grandmother] Cloris Leachman
· [Dr. Benedict, puritanical but prurient school psychologist] John Waters
· [Jerri's adoptive mother, Guy's first wife, in a "What if?" scenario]
· [Beulah Booker, School Librarian] Tracey Ullman ("Tracey Takes On...")
· [Macy Lowbrau Elliot, Jerri's childhood nemesis, now the frivolous and flamboyant First Lady of Flatpoint.] Amy Sedaris
· [Buster Hyman, perverted Janitor] Conan O'Brien ("Late Night with Conan O'Brien")
· [Be Truant To Your School, Trent Ketcham, Truant Officer] Ben Stiller (There's Something About Mary)
· [Patience Muyway, Guidance Counselor] Ana Gasteyer ("Saturday Night Live")
· [Old Friends, Sara Blank's sister Tina, an old classmate of Jerri's] Allison Janney (Drop Dead Gorgeous)
· [Ebony Blackman, Onyx's sister] Grace Jones
· [Mahogany Blackman, Onyx, Ebony, and Jett's mother] Eartha Kitt
· [Nero Blackman, Onyx's alcoholic porch-burning father & former Flatpoint Principal] Geoffrey Holder
· [Jett Blackman, aka Velvet, Onyx's drag queen brother] RuPaul
· [Jerri's friends from her Florida days in the mid 80's; Prom Band] The B52's
· [Jerri's cousin Buffy Blank, or Cherri Wolf's sister Muffy Wolf, who becomes substitute gym teacher after Coach Wolf has a nervous breakdown] Ellen DeGeneres ("Ellen")
· [Elementary, Dear Jerri, Aggie Spinner, 5th Grade Teacher] Julia Louis-Dreyfus ("Seinfeld")
· [Who Wants To Be a High School Graduate?, Bink Buzkill, host of the local TV quiz show.]
· [Who Wants To Be a High School Graduate?, Phil Weinglass, sponsor of the local TV quiz show.]
· [Ms. Blank Goes to Washington, Congressman Myron Smallcox]
· [Holy Blank!, Archbishop Michael O'Lester]
· [Shooting Blanks, Tony "Big Cheese" Mascarpone of the Falsetto crime family]
· [Scared Blankless, ultra-goth Fay Morgan] Christina Ricci (The Opposite of Sex, Pecker, 200 Cigarettes, Mermaids, The Addams Family, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Sleepy Hollow)
· [Scared Blankless, Ashley] Kirsten Dunst (Dick, Bring It On, Interview With The Vampire, Wag The Dog, Little Women, Drop Dead Gorgeous)
· [Old Friends] Molly Shannon ("Saturday Night Live")
· [Old Friends] Megan Mullally ("Will & Grace")
· [Old Friends] Nicole Sullivan ("MAD TV")
· [Old Friends] Mary Scheer ("MAD TV")
· [Fran] Winona Ryder
· [Fran's mother] Cher
· [Fran's father] Al Pacino
· [Shooting Blanks, Nico]
· [Holy Blank!, Phyllis Stein, PTA Chairwoman]