Those Darned Fallon Kids
by Amy Sedaris

Jimmy and Gloria Fallon are the kind of brother and sister that every parent dreams about. They give each other thoughtful gifts, they hardly ever fight, and they even wrote a book together. When Jimmy was in L.A. getting ready for Saturday Night Live (which he has been on for almost two years) and Gloria was out in Boston working for a publishing company, the two began sending e-mails to each other expressing how they felt. They eventually turned the e-mails into a book, appropriately titled I Hate This Place. Here they chat with A&F's resident funny lady, Strangers With Candy's Amy Sedaris.

You guys kind of look like a couple. Do people ever think you're dating? Gloria: Yeah. Jimmy: I asked her out, but she was like, "No." I said to her, "We have so much in common, though."

Did you guys ever share a room or anything? Gloria: When we were little babies we shared a room. Jimmy: Her bedroom was weird. You had to walk through my bedroom to get to her bedroom. So it was the worst, you know? I was starting to use hair spray and stuff and trying to make my hair look cool. And she would catch me. I remember one time I was singing to Paul McCartney. This is while everyone else was listening to Twisted Sister and whatever. And I remember I was lip-synching something in the mirror-like "Uncle Albert" or something- Gloria: And I walk in... Jimmy: ...with my Dad. Gloria: I saw him in the mirror. I was like, "Oh my God!" Jimmy: And they just shut the door and no one talked about it. They were like, "Dinner's ready." Dinner was extra quiet. It's just so embarrassingly sad, but that's what happens when you have no privacy, you know? Gloria: And we weren't allowed to have many friends-that was another problem. Jimmy: Yeah, we were weirdos. We would make each other laugh all the time, even when we hung out with other kids. Like this one girl, we were playing Atari with her or something, and my sister, she kept beating this girl who says, "Yeah, I beat my uncle at this all the time." And my sister goes, "Your uncle must be an ass." Gloria: And she was just like, "Aaaagh!" And we were just laughing at this girl. We got in trouble for it and everything.

Do you guys give each other good presents? Gloria: Tell her about the gift you got me. Jimmy: She likes Princess Diana, right? Just after she died, I see this sad-ass screen saver. So, ever the thoughtful brother, I get her the Princess Diana screen saver with little clips so your icons are little Princess Diana heads. She was totally upset about the whole accident, and she was like, "This is the saddest thing anyone's ever given me. I'm not gonna look at this at work."

There's one with Martin Luther King's widow. And a JFK Jr. screen saver. Ha ha ha! Isn't that funny? Screen savers of tragedy! Jimmy: You know what she tells me at Christmas? She goes, "If we're gonna get each other CDs, why don't we just buy our own CDs and then not give each other presents?"

Sounds practical. So, you're writing a book together. Whose idea was it to do the book? Jimmy: Well, it was actually my manager at the time. We were just goofing off one day, and I was showing her what me and Gloria kept writing to each other back and forth. The stuff cracked me up, so I was saving it. And my manager was like, "Oh my God, this is a book!" So she went to Kinko's and made a little book-a prototype. And we showed everyone. My mom and dad said, "Oh, this is great." And then our grandmother read it. She's like, "I don't get this. This books stinks."

What are your parents like? Gloria: Everyone loves our parents. Like in high school we would have friends over and they were always partying with us. Not like, "Hey take your shoes off"-none of that stuff. Jimmy: When they come up to see the show they wanna stay at my studio. They think it's really big. I mean, I live in a studio, and two extra humans-that's three total. So my mom wakes up at 6am and rattles things and polishes silverware! I'm getting in at 6 because the hours at SNL are crazy. I'm sleeping on an inflatable mattress and all of a sudden I just hear things in the kitchen. Frying eggs. I'm like, "Do you think we're in a mansion? I can hear every single thing you're doing." And she's on the phone, so I'm like, "Where do you think we are, Mom? You're standing over me. The shadow of the phone is on my face!" They're the funniest people in the world. Gloria: Yeah, and they never said things like, "You can't smoke." They were cool. They'd say, "If you wanna be stupid, smoke."

Do you guys smoke? Jimmy: I tried to smoke 'cause Paul McCartney smokes and Simon and Garfunkel smoke. So I got a pack of cigarettes and I'm like, "I'm gonna learn to smoke, man, screw this." I was in L.A., and I walked up and down Venice Boulevard and I'm like, "Yeah, man," and I'm letting it hang out of my mouth, you know? And then I got home and it stuck to my lip and I'm like, "Oh fuck!" I pulled it off and my lip ripped open.

You're kidding. Jimmy: Yeah, my lip stuck to the thing. I have sensitive lips. So I pulled it and... you know when you stick your tongue to some frozen thing? Except it was a cigarette. Maybe I left it on my lip too long.

What will you do in the summer when SNL is done? Jimmy: I might do a movie, but if there's nothing I like, I might go to golf school.

Why golf school? Just to do something? Jimmy: Yeah, something different. I used to play in high school, but I just haven't played in forever. And now I can play all those celebrity tournaments. So I don't wanna be up against Bill Murray and mess up. That's just not cool.