Jerri Blank

Actress Amy Sedaris as "Jerri Blank" and William Van Meter of

William Van Meter: What are your Spring Break plans?
Jerri Blank: I'm gonna get laid.

WVM: I think that Orlando has a crush on you. Is there any possibility for a relationship?
JB: Orlando? Orlando? Coconut-head Orlando? I don't think he has a crush on me, and besides if he did, he's Filipino and I'm an atheist.

WVM: Name three things that are necessary for the ultimate house party.
JB: Pussy, pussy, and pussy.

WVM: Briefly describe your stepbrother Derrick.
JB: He's gay, he's a poohole and he's ugly.

WVM: In Seventeen magazine style, what is your most embarrassing moment?
JB: There's so many. This one time I was having a party, and I was making some cat and I put in too much battery acid into it, and the embarrassing part was everybody died. It was very humiliating.

WVM: To prove Mr. Noblit's teaching techniques, give me a brief oral report on the Emancipation Proclamation.
JB: When Ben Franklin crossed the Delaware - this was before he chopped down the cherry tree - and that's when George Washington Carver came into place and invented the peanut.

WVM: Have you ever been in love?
JB: Why, who's asking? (spreads her legs) I am now.

WVM: With who?
JB: Let's just say he works for Spin and asks a lot of questions.

WVM: Come on now Jerri, have you ever been in love?
JB: Have I ever been in love? Yes, I have William. Tony Redcurtain was his name. It was very upsetting. I had to leave his bones by the highway. All I have left is his femur and I made a flute out of that. I blow on it from time to time.

WVM: Since your return to Flatpoint High, you have been responsible for 2 deaths (not to mention the demise of Klausen and Shelly) and the expulsion of Tammy Littlenut and Kimberly Timbers. Do you have any regrets for your actions?
JB: I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know where you get your information, but it's bullshit.

WVM: What was your real mother like?
JB: She was about 4'11, a beautiful eye, and an overbite. Beautiful. She looked like Mike Dukakis.

WVM: What triggered your 32 year stint as a runaway? And what were the highs and lows of your life on the lamb?
JB: My highs were cocaine and my lows were Quaaludes.

WVM: Although you seem to have settled into high school life, you still have violent outburst where you like to knock things off tables and dump candy on your mother. Are you a ticking time bomb waiting to explode?
JB: I don't know what you're talking about (throws cards at me).

WVM: Many people in high school are worried about the virginity issue. When did you first "go all the way?"
JB: With someone else? I was 12.

WVM: Do you want to tell us more about it...?
JB: I said I was 12.

WVM: Gays and lesbians make up a large part of Flatpoint High's population, would you ever start up a gay alliance?
JB: Well, that's a tough one, Billy. I go for the pole and the hole.

WVM: Have you been to a rave? It seems like the perfect activity for a user and wonderful dancer like yourself.
JB: I like to dance. I'm not using right now, I'm pretty busy at school and with my home life. I haven't been to a rave lately, but I do like to get out and dance as much as possible. I like hip-hop.

WVM: Why were you put into prison, and were you anyone's "prison bitch?"
JB: I was butch in prison, I picked who I wanted to pursue. I did all the touching, I wasn't touched. Butches make bitches.

WVM: How often do you get your uterus scraped?
JB: It's hard to say. I've got a thick leathery coating down there now. I just need to get an ice cream scoop or a melon baller or even a garden weasel or a womb whacker.

WVM: Do you have any plans for an after school job, maybe you could be a lunch lady during lunch period?
JB: That's a possibility, but I really want to get away from working with foods. I thought maybe I could clean abortion instruments, I thought that might be fun.