An open letter to fans of "Strangers With Candy"

by the brilliantly twisted, self-proclaimed  
"Next Mayor of Boston",
Boston Mike  


I usually don't type in all capital letters unless I'm mad or ovulating, and right now I'm both. This letter is intended to motivate fans to reach out to anybody who was involved in the making of the Strangers With Candy movie, except the Mexicans who cleaned up after filming, because it's important that everyone involved with the movie gets on board with my plan. If any of the creative forces behind the film aren't in agreement with every aspect of the plan, I'll abort it swiftly with a coat-hanger.

It's time for us—the great, unwashed, internet masses—to take some action. I have detailed a six-point plan of five points that will get the movie out of the hands of the hook-nosed terrorists and into ours.

Mike's Five Point Plan for Releasing the SWC Movie From the Sinuous Clutches of Hollywood Treachery:
Step #1: Get Drunk
Get drunk. Not a pleasant Tuesday-afternoon-and-
reading-the-New-Yorker drunk, but a Ted-Kennedy-on-a-
murderous-pantless-rampage drunk. Our battle against Hollywood will require intestinal fortitude and moral courage—both things that can easily be obtained through alcohol consumption.

Step #2: No Publicty is Bad Publicity
Now that we're all good and drunk, let's masturbate and then take a nap. Good. When we wake up, we'll call into our favorite TV shows and ask them what they think about the Strangers With Candy scandal.

Larry King is a sucker for these types of things "We have a caller now from Boston, Massachusetts... So, Mike, do you think Aruban police are moving too slowly to solve the Halloway case?"

"Hi Larry, big fan, love the suspenders... just as the Aruban police are holding an innocent white teenager hostage, while freeing two much darker suspects, another tragedy is that those Jews over at Warner Independent are holding the Strangers With Candy movie hostage. Which is a greater crisis? That's not for me to say."

Those of us who are uncomfortable on the telephone, or don't own a telephone, or who's religion strictly prohibits the use of a telephone, will be in charge of a letter-writing campaign to all major US newspapers. Here's an example:

Dear Dirty, Dirty Jew Editor:

We live in a savage world of exploding subway stations, dancing monkeys, and talking Volkswagens. Through it all, as Americans we've always had laughter to hold us together. But lately, a group of Hollywood fat cats have tried to strip our laughter away.

I am speaking specifically of the Strangers With Candy movie, currently being held hostage by Warner Independent Pictures. WB claims that they love SWC, showered it with adulation and praise at Sundance, and then quickly dumped it. Then things got worked out, and then they fell apart again. This back-and-forth has been going on for quite some time, and as fans of the show, we are caught in the middle like trailer park children forced to endure the liquored-up late night altercations between the two warring camps.

These attempts always end with a bloody lip, a frantic 911 call, and lots of smashed furniture. Papa says he can't take it anymore. He loves you, Mama, but you make him so angry. Why do you do it? Why do you make Papa so mad, when all he wants is to love you? Why you crying Mama? Why you crying?

Bewildered in Bucks County, PA
Antonio Lagarto

If we all band together to call as many TV and radio shows as possible, and write to as many newspapers (using the above template) we should have the nation's water-coolers abuzz with talk of the SWC crisis.

Step #3: Befriend Asians
With their yellowing pallor and tiny, impish hands, Asians may be the last group of people you'd want to befriend, but their ability to hack into the internet and manipulate computers is well documented. In the interests of freeing the hostage movie, we are going to need to make sacrifices. Befriending a stick-eating, rake-mouthed, pan-faced Asian or two won't be pleasant (get used to having your ankles perpetually bitten, and the incessant stench of egg noodles), but these sacrifices are necessary for our success.

The internet is a taut oyster, but it contains many pearls of wisdom. Using the tiny, impish hands of the Asian software engineer, we shall pry this oyster open and uncover the names and addresses of the people behind the sinister hostage-taking of our beloved movie.

Step #4: Bring the Fight to the Enemy
Now that we will have the names and addresses of the people involved with the hostage-taking of the SWC movie, we will promptly de-friend the bird-flu-ridden Asians.

As a barely coherent, listless, and unwashed pack of SWC internet groupies (I barely wear pants), the mere fact that we have our FlatpointHigh yahoogroup should make all of Hollywood tremble in fear. All of America will already be abuzz due to the publicity campaign we will have waged, and now it will fall upon our pasty white shoulders to put down the Doritos, emerge from behind our computers, and pay homage to the people on our new "Hollywood Brownlist" at their homes.

We will meet behind the second "L" in the famous HOLLYWOOD sign at noon on Sunday and break into groups to fan out across the valley and demand face time with each of these movie hostage-takers. The sight of a group of people like us alone will strike fear into their craven Jew hearts.

Like a bizarro scene out of Night of the Living Dead, we will drag our feet up to their mansions and ask for an audience to discuss the merits of releasing the movie. No violence, no threats, just a group of "internet people" showing up at their doorsteps to ask for a discussion.

Terrified illegal Mexican housemaids will grab the children and run for the safety of the cabana as the shaken Hollywood producer stands before us, clutching the door to his manse and stammering, "What... what do you want with me?"  There would be a lot of awkward silence, punctuated by the sounds of bodily functions, and at this point, Jill would step forward and ask, "Can I use your bathroom?" while anxiously picking at her camel toe. My friends, victory will be ours.

Rome wasn't built in a day, but Paris was surrendered in minutes. Much like the French, Hollywood types are dainty, spineless miscreants who I'm sure would rather unleash the SWC movie than have anything to do with disgusting internet people like us. Like Mayor McCheese handing over the keys to the city of Paris, this heartless, hook-nosed cinematerrorist will hand over the movie reels to us, and we shall march into the sunset together—yet so alone in so many ways. It will be a bittersweet victory without Terri Schiavo there to gurgle her approval, but she's up above us in the clouds now... where she asked that her ashes be spread.

Step #5: Conclusion
Some people may find the SWC movie offensive. They will say it doesn't belong in the movie houses, mixing with family-friendly movies. They will make it drink from a different water fountain and sit at the back of the bus. My brothers and sisters, if the dearly-beloved (and very bullet-ridden) Martin Luther King taught us anything (and he didn't) it's that together we are what we can't be alone. He also taught us that if you fill Washington, DC's National Mall with blacks, the stain around the wading pool will take 17 years to clean.

Join me in prayer: Free at last, free at last. Swing low, sweet chariot. I've been working on the railroad, all the live long day. Oh, Lord, pick a bale a day. Pick a bale a day, pick a bale a day.

Think about it. I haven't.

Whew!  Now I feel motivated, and a little dirty.  I'd like to thank "the Next Mayor of Boston", Boston Mike, for his eloquent contribution to our humble little campaign to free the Strangers With Candy movie and get it released in theaters, or, at the very least, directly to DVD.  Seriously, though, if you want to get your chance to see the movie, write to  It may not do any good, but it's worth a shot.  Remember, freedom isn't free.  Don't let Warner Independent suppress you by suppressing the SWC movie.

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