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On this "painfully special" episode of
Strangers With Candy

    After Jerri causes the Flatpoint High School Girl's Track Team to lose their latest meet because she stopped to get a candy bar, Coach Wolf gives her an ultimatum; either she improves her performance or she's off the team. In the locker room, Cherri delays Jerri from getting in the tub with the other girls so she can measure her body fat levels. It turns out that Jerri has 80% body fat and the other 20% appears to be scar tissue. Jerri isn't sure if she wants to work hard for something she wants, but when she considers the possibility of missing out on future "tub times" she decides to give it a shot. Later that day when she's at home she watches an exercise video while eating Crisco on a stick topped with popcorn and dipped in orange soda. Sara has baked some cookies especially for Derrick to reward him for leading the Squat Thrust team to victory. Derrick reveals that he was able to do it with the aid of Maxi Bulk 10,000. Jerri then goes to the NutriWhiz Nutrition Center, Inc. to get some. The less-than-fit-looking store clerk mistakes Jerri for a middle-aged man or an 80-year old grandfather with a thyroid condition, but Jerri tells him that she's a high school freshman girl and she needs to get in shape for her next track meet. He offers her a variety of pills and carbs that should get her to where she wants to be in about six months, but when she tells him the meet is the upcoming Saturday he pulls a needle out and warns her he isn't supposed to show it to her or even possess it. She tells him that she's already been down that road before and it made her the plaything of Indonesian businessmen, but when he reveals that it's anabolic steroids her opinion changes. She asks if the shot will shrink her testes or lower her sperm count, but he tells her that the only side effect she needs to worry about is brain cancer. Jerri decides to go for it and gets the injection. At the track meet, Jerri bolts around the track like lightning and the Flatpoint team qualifies for the State tryouts. Jerri is hoping to get some "tub time", but Coach Wolf stops her to ask if she has been using any performance-enhancing drugs. Jerri lies and says "No," and Coach Wolf emits a sigh of relief. Legally, Cherri had to ask her at least once. The girls go to Pizzamania and are all very happy with Jerri's turnaround. When Jerri hears how worried her teammates are about their State tryouts, she tells them about the steroids. She offers to take them to her house, swab down their nude behinds, and poke them with her needle, but they're a little wary. Jerri calms their fears and convinces them to follow her lead. While Jerri injects the girls, Derrick eavesdrops and Sara tells him he should surprise them by catching them in their panties, but he'd rather watch figure skating on TV. The next day at the State tryouts, the Flatpoint team wins handily by darting around the track before the other teams even have a chance to start running. Fortunately, nobody seems to have noticed the wispy beards that the girls are developing, but they fear that their steroid use will be exposed. Principal Blackman enters the locker room to tell them how proud he is of them, although he's disappointed that they're not undressed. He also informs them that they'll be getting new uniforms and, oh yeah, one other thing, there'll be an official present to perform random drug tests. The girls are so upset that they decide to forgo "tub time". Jellineck leads the Donkettes in a cheer at a pre-competition pep rally and the track team are sporting full beards. At the State Finals, the girls are quite worried that their secret will be revealed. The official chooses Jerri for the random drug test and gives her a cup for a urine sample. Unbeknownst to him, Onyx knows what the girls have done and he waits for Jerri in the bathroom stall so he can provide Jerri with a clean sample. "Jerri's" sample is clean of drugs, but the officials do detect a vicious case of gonorrhea. Misters Noblet and Jellineck sing the National Anthem together before the big event, but the crowd doesn't seem to appreciate their vocal stylings. After the starting gun is fired the Flatpoint team easily takes the lead and Jerri crosses the tape within mere seconds. Blackman snatches the trophy out of Jerri's reach, but she doesn't seem to mind. She soon gets her true reward, a frolic in the tub with her teammates. This experience has taught her that only losers do drugs... unless they help you win... then only winners do drugs. Jerri feels "all eely" and submerges in the tub toward the girls.

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Episode Title: "Blank Relay"

Tony's Rating:

Original Airdate: 8/21/00

Production Number: 3-05

Directed by: Juan Campanella

Writers: Paul Dinello, Amy Sedaris
Additional Writer: Matt Lappin

Regular Cast: AS, DD, DR, GH, LS, PD, SC, ST

Guest Cast:  Andy Richter (NutriWhiz store clerk), Virginia Williams (Wilma), Carla Greene (Jackie), Erin Cottrell, James Saito (State Finals Official)

Flatpoint Lexicon:

() n.



"Tub Time" = "Good Times"
Additional Episode Information

Sarah Thyre (Coach Wolf) is visibly pregnant, but no mention is made of it.
· Jerri's number during the first track meet was 3277, 2618 for the second, 8841 for the third, and 1762 at the State Finals.
· This is the only episode in which both Sarah Thyre and her real-life hubby, Andy Richter, appeared.
· Dolores Duffy (Iris) was a hurdler in the 1952 Olympics in Helsinki.

The Best Things In This Episode:
· Jerri's obsession with the tub.
· The way that Coach Wolf and Principal Blackman look the other way, despite the evidence of drug use.
· The progression of the girl's beards from scene to scene.
· Jellineck and Noblet's National Anthem fiasco

Closing Credits Dance Sequence:  In a tribute to the old Hollywood Esther Williams musical extravaganzas, Jerri and her track team members perform a small-scale water ballet to the tune of Fred and Gene Kelly's "I Love to Go Swimmin' With Wimmen" in the hot tub.

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