written by Stephen Colbert, Paul Dinello, and Amy Sedaris photographs by Todd Oldham
Wigfield (officially known as “Proposed Super Fund Site 554”) is an ephemeral hodgepodge of shanties, porno shops, strip clubs, and used auto parts yards. When a state politician, Representative William J. Farber, proposes the demolition of the Senator Alfonse T. Bulkwaller Memorial Dam (constructed in 1931), Wigfield is faced with destruction. The dam is located just up Fresh Springs Creek from this sleepy little, glow-in-the-dark, Podunk burg and it’s the only thing keeping Wigfield from becoming a part of the creek.
In order to prevent the dam’s removal, the residents will have to prove that they’re not just a bunch of itinerant squatters and that Wigfield is indeed an actual town. Fortunately for them, “journalist” Russell Hokes arrives in “town” to get material for a book he’s supposed to be writing about the “brave lives of small-town residents… that celebrates what is best in America by showing the indomitable human spirit in times of crisis”. Hokes unwittingly ends up chronicling the Wigfield citizenry’s last days of living life as they’d known it for so long. He also learns a lot about life, love, and the ecdysiastic arts.
Some of the fine denizens of the charming hamlet of Wigfield:
Mayor Burchal Sawyer
Proprietor of Wigfield’s largest junkyard, Sawyer’s Wreckage Emporium. One of Wigfield’s three mayors, challenging Charles Halstead and Fleet Hollinger for the right to the title and office.
Mayor Charles Halstead
Mentally challenged attorney and lover of fudge. One of Wigfield’s three mayors, challenging Burchal Sawyer and Fleet Hollinger for the right to the title and office. He is basically a puppet and figurehead for his Police Chief, Hoyt Gein. His mental condition is the result of spending too much time in a local lead dispersal plant.
Mayor Fleet Hollinger
Proprietor of Fleet’s Fleet of Used Cars, Fleet’s Used Auto Parts (the oldest business in Wigfield), Mack Donald’s, and the local morgue. One of Wigfield’s three mayors, challenging Burchal Sawyer and Charles Halstead for the right to the title and office. Has a son, Fleet Jr., who goes to school at the miliary academy in Shell Knob, and daughter, Carla Port Hollinger, by his ex-wife, High Priestess Thea.
High Priestess Thea (the former Dorothy Hollinger)
Lesbian, witch, ex-life partner of Fleet Hollinger, mother of Carla Port Hollinger, and current life partner of Amythys (the former Judy Brown).
Carla Port Hollinger
Daughter of Fleet Hollinger and lesbian witch High Priestess Thea. Goes to school in Shell Knob. She is an aspiring young poetess who has written a poem about the impending destruction of the Bulkwaller Dam (which would flood the entire town) that might be published in the local paper, the Wigfield Sporadic. She shares a rocky past with Dillard Rankin.
Dillard Rankin
Works as the night assistant manager at Mack Donald’s, where he mans the fry station. Considers himself to be an “Artist of Doom”. His favorite Corpse-Metal super group is called Autopsy Turvy. Owned a little fox terrier named Skipper, whom he had rechristened Be’elz-cifer the Damned, but the dog had to be put down because of hip dysplasia. Dumped Carla Port Hollinger for his current girlfriend, Regina Cox.
Mae Ella Padgett
Forty-eight year old who claims to be the oldest citizen of Wigfield. This distinction is also claimed by Dottie Fore. One time, while incarcerated at the Shell Knob State Confinatentuary, she confessed to herself—while looking in the mirror—that she was the Wigfield Maniac. Likes to take naps in the coolness of Hollinger’s Morgue.
Dottie Fore
In her late forties, she claims to be the oldest person in Wigfield, a distinction that is also claimed by Mae Ella Padgett. Has had more dental work than anyone else in town. Her gums are diseased. Had a son named Jake, who is now deceased, but who also still seems to have a large degree of control over her.
Ennis Chisolm
Writer, editor, and publisher of the Wigfield Sporadic, Wigfield’s free daily newspaper that “comes out whenever and costs a dollar.”
Dr. Raja Chuhas
Local doctor who used to live and practice medicine in Gujarat, Pakistan. His current office is in a van. His specialty is plastic surgery, usually involving the frequent breast implant rupture emergencies that happen in Wigfield.
Julian Childs
Proprietor of The Bunny Hutch, the local theater in which most productions are staged with a cast consisting of rabbits. Currently staging The Velveteen Rabbit. Past productions include Children of a Lesser God, The Nutcracker, and Judgment at Nuremburg.
Cinnamon
Albino exotic dancer who works at the Bacon Strip and is renowned for her “salad tong” dance. Works as an unpaid intern for Junior Mumpson Sr. at Mumpson Used Tires. A man named Cooter is her agent/business manager/pimp. Her personal motto is, “KOKO. Keep on keepin’ on.”
Raven
A big-boned temptress who works at the Twat Stop, the “most sophisticated club in town.” She used to work at the Muff-iteria.
Lenare Degroat
Local taxidermist who also works at Hollinger’s Morgue and serves as Fleet Hollinger’s enforcer/thug. Has considered declaring open hunting season on Representative William J. Farber, a politician from the big city who has recommended the demolition of the Bulkwaller Dam, which would therefore bring about the flooding and destruction of Wigfield itself.
Donnie Larson
Works for Fleet Hollinger as manager of the Tit Time Show Palace, the so-called “premier strip club in Wigfield”.
Hoyt Gein
Known arsonist and pugnacious Police Chief within Mayor Charles Halstead’s administration. Keeps Mayor Halstead seat-belted into a lawn chair within a customized Vanagon. Appointed by Fleet Hollinger to be field marshall of the fireworks display for the first annual Wigfield Town Charter Celebration, aka the Wigfield Victory Celebration, aka the Wigfield Wigout.
Other residents:
Udell & Eleanor Grimmett: This elderly couple, both in their late thirties, met in Wigfield and have been married for 18 years. Eleanor works at the drug store counter. Udell loves pie. They’ve lived variously at Wigfield Heights, Wiglette Park, and other parts of town, due to forced relocations related to plutonium storage ditches that have filled up. The couple played hosts to visiting “journalist”, Russell Hokes.