“Hello, I’m Jerri Blank and I’m a 46-year-old high school freshman. For 32 years I was a teenage runaway. I was a boozer, a user, and a loser. My friends were dealers, cons, and 18 karat pimps. But now I’m out of jail, picking up my life exactly where I left off. I’m back in high school, living at home, and discovering all sorts of things about my body. I’m finding out that though the faces have changed, the hassles are just the same.”
“I got something to say!” — from “Let Freedom Ring”
“I got something to say. I got something to saaaaaaay!!!” — from “Who Wants Cake?”
“I got something to say. I’ve got something to say.” — from “To Be Young, Gifted, and Blank”
“You know, I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed…really hard.” — from “Dreams on the Rocks”
“You’re just a rack of bones covered in a thin layer of fag.” — to Derrick, from “Blank Relay”
“Pee on me.” — to Tammi Littlenut at the Horizon Motel, from “A Burden’s Burden”
“And as for that little redheaded spitfire, Tammi Littlenut. Well, let’s just say the carpet matches the drapes.” — speaking about Tammi’s pelt, from “A Burden’s Burden”
“For crying out loud, will you shut that thing up!?” — to Tammi in “A Burden’s Burden”
Trish: “Can I get some water? I’m a little dry.”
Jerri: “I’m plenty wet.”
— from “The Trip Back”
“I’m not adopted and I’m not an Indian. It’s just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis.” — from “Trail of Tears”
“I hope you’re all happy, keeping Alan off the team. Couldn’t you, for once, open your minds and hearts and hear something that he couldn’t see? I, for one, am glad that Alan is blind, so he can’t see what, I am so sad to say, you can’t hear.” — defending Alan to the football team, from “Behind Blank Eyes”
“Orlando, you can’t be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn’t sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods.” — from “Trail of Tears”
“I got a better idea, Lezzy. When the lunch bell rings, why don’t you eat me?” — to Lizzy Abrams, from “Feather in the Storm”
“I’m gonna get laid!” — on the bus to Good Time Island, from “Who Wants Cake?”
“I like the pole and the hole,” … and … “right now I’m as moist as a snack cake down there.” — to Paul Cotton, from “Let Freedom Ring”
“I’m gonna work at the artificial flower plant plant.” — from “Yes, You Can’t”
“Faggot.” — to Mr. Jellineck, from “The Trip Back”
“Befriending new people can lead to having sex with your children, accidentally.” — from “Bogie Nights”
“She’s going through menopause. . . with a hint of epilepsy. She’s diabetic.” — making excuses for Sara’s drunken behavior, from “Dreams On the Rocks”
“Poor Southerners are hi-LAR-ious.” — responding to Sara’s comment about a hillbilly’s rifle, from “Ask Jerri”
“Hmmm, that’s funny. Why does your finger smell like his ass?” — to Derrick and P.John, from “Let Freedom Ring”
“I do like black people. It just took a white one to prove it to me.” — from “Let Freedom Ring”
Coach Cherri Wolf: “Next up, Jerri Blank”
Susie: “Give me a V, I, C, T, O, R, Y”
Jerri: “V, I, C, T, O, R, Y”
Susie: “What’s it spell?”
Jerri: “Win!!!”
Coach Wolf: “Jerri, uh, what does V-I-C-T-O-R-Y spell?”
Jerri: “Fandango? Hobocamp? Ho-hobocamp.”
— from “The Blank Page”
“I’m dealing with this the same way I dealt with my own alcoholism and drug addiction… with lies and delusion.” — from “Dreams On the Rocks”
“My ass#@!*’s hungry, baby.” — to Jellineck in his jail cell, from “The Trip Back”
“I hate to burst your bubble there, Tam, but that’s not Blackman. That’s just the chink with some spic food I ordered, hoping we’d have something to celebrate. But I guess that’s not in the cards. Look, when Blackman gets here I’ll tell him the whole truth. I’m so sorry, Tammala.” — to Tammi Littlenut, from “A Burden’s Burden”
“Ya pussy.” — to Derrick
“A lot went down in school today. God, I’m really in a k-hole.” — to her father, from “Who Wants Cake?”
“How many of you wanna wake up in a public bathroom, lying in a pool of what you HOPE is your own filth?” — to an auditorium filled with Flatpoint students, in “Jerri is Only Skin Deep”
“No, no, never! I traded you for a guitar. And all these years I’ve wondered, ‘What happened to that guitar?'” — in response to Ricky’s question “You just gave me away?”, in “Bogie Nights”
“That’s a nice little humidor you’ve got there” — to Trish after she pulled a joint from her gym shorts, from “The Trip Back”
“What are you writing? G-spot! Gonads! Gooks! Good times! Goodbye!?” — Jerri, trying to guess what Paul Cotton is writing on her bedroom door with the can of spraypaint he found in her backpack, from “Let Freedom Ring”
“It makes me as damp as a cellar down there. All mildewy. Enter if you dare.” — responding to Alan telling her that he wanted to join the football team, from “Behind Blank Eyes”
“Pizza, pizza, pizza” — from “The Virgin Jerri”
“How’s it going, Susie? Nice camel toe.” — from “Let Freedom Ring”
“Don’t worry, Alan, I can’t get pregnant. My ovaries are diseased.” — to Alan, from “Behind Blank Eyes”
“Buddah Stalin is chronic.” — from “Is Freedom Free?”
“Wow. Must be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want… Sure beats doing it.” — in response to Mr. Jellineck’s determination to become an artist, from “Yes You Can’t”
Troy: “Hey Jerri, eat this.”
Jerri: “What is it?”
Troy: “It’s a scab.”
Jerri: “Again!?!”
— from “Blank Stare, Part I”
“I’ve changed. People change. Changes… I’m not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I’m not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans… such as yourself. And I’m not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmann’s holly bushes… last night.” — explaining why she doesn’t want to finger Kimberly Timbers for being a retard, from “Who Wants Cake?”